My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
