I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
