She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
