It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize