I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
