just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
