White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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