I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
