Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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