My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
