god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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