I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
