just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
