You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
this is an emotional support booty call
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
