he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You smell like stripper and shame
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
