I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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