dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
