last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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