you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
