new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
