Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
