fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
