I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I booty called her while she was in labor.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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