No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
