So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
