He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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