god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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