god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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