i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
