everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
