Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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