On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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