tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
