My brain says no but my pants say off.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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