Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
