my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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