Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
