Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
