you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Randomize
