Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
