Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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