I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
