Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
