I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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