So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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