Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
