Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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