i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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