I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
