I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
