Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
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