Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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