There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
