i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
