He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You ruined the universe
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
