I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
