the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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