i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
