I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
