what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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