Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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