omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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