I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize