worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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