just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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