I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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